Agreement versus Arrangement

In friendships, business, partnerships and parenting, I prefer the word and concept of agreement rather than arrangement.

Arrangement can easily be accomplished by one person.  I arranged the furniture.  I arranged the meeting. I arranged this event.  It can involve two or more people working together to accomplish something but that often doesn't work well without the important component of agreement.

Agreement is the kinder path.  Agreement is the better choice for relationships.  If you've followed my blog at all, you may already know that I believe relationships trump everything.

Agreement is two or more people having equal say and coming to a mutual decision that works for the benefit of all involved. It involves compromise.  It involves being open to hearing and honoring others ideas and sometimes limitations. It involves not just listening but truly hearing what the other person is saying. It involves taking that information and working together for an outcome that honors all of those components.

An arrangement where one person or persons decides on the details and tells others that they must adhere to them has no place in parenting or marriage or events involving relationships. An arrangement can be cold and one sided.  Others may go along with it simply because they see no other choice. Agreement is loving and kind and honors all the people involved.

 I've recently experienced people arranging things and acting as if it was done in agreement. I have been faced with either accepting their controlling choices or stepping away from being involved. I've found it deeply hurtful.  In this particular situation, I have chosen to step away.  I don't have room in my life to spend time with people who chose to impose their will on others. My decision is a clear conscious choice and one that honors my values and boundaries but at the same time has been heartbreaking for me.

My decision  has reminded me of why we choose to parent respectfully and why we choose to listen and honor our children's voices to work for mutually happy outcomes. If this "arrangement" has been so difficult for me, I can not even imagine what this same type of thing would be for a child.

Sometimes choosing kindness and love can simply be just peacefully walking away.










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